May 10, 2009

making my way through the infinite meloncholy...
Originally uploaded by ansel mcadams

At the risk of sounding like I am complaining I have felt very down today, melonsholy in fact.

As I am finishing my movie I am so conflicted with emotions. While I am sure that I will be even prouder of the film than I am now, it's only the first stop in a very long process. "Miles to go before I sleep" keeps running through my head. If one more (well-meaning) person asks me when we can screen the movie I might snap. Nothing is simple.

I came off a good movie high this weekend with Star Trek but somehow even this has managed to depress me a bit. It's depressedme because a good movie makes me happy like nothing else, it makes me remember the magic of the movies and why I felt called to become a director in the first place...and that leads to me remembering that I cannot yet be a full time director. I can't make the movies that millions will see and get the same feeling that I got after seeing Star Trek. Instead, I have to continue the daily grind at a job that kills brain cells.

Then there are the events that have been happening to some of my friends. They are all getting their careers well under way and being paid well for it, being responsibile adults in their own right. Then there is me. My day job is unrelated to what I want to do with my life and on top of that the pay is terrible and I feel like I cannot be a full-fledged adult on my own terms.

What I use to console myself is the fact that every artist has to struggle, and struggle badly before they make it so my plight is not uncommon. I also know that God has called me to this path, I was nowhere near thinking about a career in film when God smaked me upside the head with a giant plank of wood and said "pay attention".

God has a plan for me and I need to be faithful in believing that He will help guide me and to continue to push forwad and not expect God to hand me anything.

I no doubt will snap out of this funk before too long.