July 30, 2009

I am beyond tired today and I don’t just mean in the physical sense.

It’s suddenly become physically exhausting for me to bring myself into the day job every day. The problem with having a finished film and being immersed in a place like Comic-Con is that it makes it painfully obvious to me that I have other goals in life, goals that do not include answering phones to help screaming customers realize the problem is they are looking in the wrong art folder on their system.

I know I’ve been through phases like this before but I suddenly can’t remember when. I can only think of how downtrodden I was when I first ceased being a Page and had no remotely film-related prospects, but that’s not the case now. Sure, I may be waiting anxiously for any kind of word on getting END into film festivals, but I at least have that.

My only consolation right now is that it’s not my efforts that are going to do anything but Gods. I can’t make anything happen. I have to go through the motions, apply to things, and do the best job I can do as a director and an artist but my success lies not on me but on where God plans for me to go. Sure, this can be very frustrating, but it can also be very freeing. I know that I am not alone and that something greater is at work that I just can’t see.

Who knows, maybe I’ll get rejected from every film festival until that one unique festival presents itself and all kinds of doors will open to me and my film. Perhaps I won’t get into any but the right people will still end up seeing the film and gates will open. Or maybe there is a whole other plan all together. I just have to trust that I am doing what I am meant to do and move forward from there.

I know this doesn’t sound concrete or logical to some, but it sounds pretty dang good to me. Now only if coffee would take care of waking the physical part of me up so I can concentrate on trying to be a decent employee for the day job.

July 28, 2009

Coming back to work after something like Comic-Con is really hard. I would so much rather be working on a film.

July 25 2009

It's no secret that I want to work with Robert Downey Jr. someday. I have a dream project he would be perfect for, a project I have dreamed about making for years.

I got to see RDj talk yesterday and I am so stoked that he seems just as genuine, funny & humble in person as everyone says he is. It makes me want to work with him more.

I love Con but it is the one thing that can depress & excite me more than anything else. It renews my vigor to become a director & keep pushing towards my goals.

I need to get END seen, get some more work & start making my way up the directing ladder as much as I can.

I do think that God will be faithful. With Him I cannot fail.

July 17, 2009

In this process there are up days and down days. Right now I am having a down day.

July 14, 2009

Theatre Seats
Originally uploaded by lungstruck

On Friday the 10th we screened END for cast, crew and friends. It was pretty darn amazing. I was a ball of nerves the whole time; I didn’t think I’d manage to sit through the entire film but I did sit through most of it – just in the back unable to look at the screen most of the time.

The single coolest moment was when it struck me that there were almost 100 people in the Cal State Fullerton theatre, sitting in the dark, watching my movie. Everything I’ve worked towards since I graduated film school was aligned at that point and I was somewhere between elation and crying. It was an amazing moment and I really hope that I can experience it again before too long.

I know that you expect people who know you to tell you they love what you did even if they didn’t but every single person that talked to me after the screening raved about the movie, and they all said something different; I’d think they just made them up to make me feel better but the kind of things they were pulling out, commenting on, saying that moved them – you can’t make all of that up on the fly. Plus there’s the fact that I have several people (including my Dad) that want to keep talking about my movie.

That makes me really damn hopeful. I want to do two things: get my film in to festivals and get a paid directing gig; I want to me able to get into what I want to be doing with my life.

Friday was a great day, but it has officially robbed me of any and all ambition to be at the day job. I just can’t sit in my chair any more and pretend that I care about direct mail ads and making sure they make it to the printer on time. Let’s face it – does anyone really need a coupon for mystic tanning, zoom whitening or a pedicure? I just can’t deal with my clients. I’m a director and I don’t care whose client needs their restaurant ad back in two hours because they forgot to send it to us on time. It’s bad this week. Mentally at least.

In a few weeks I should start hearing, or not hearing from festivals. I am really praying that God puts me in a position to get the film and my people recognized.

July 11 2009

The site of the cast and crew screening of my film. More detqils later. I am exhausted.

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July 9 2009

I have a coworker that also wants to break into film production, she and I actually discuss it a lot.

Yesterday she was lamenting to me about not being able to get a film job & saying how she wasn't working on anything and wasn't willing to drive to or live in LA. This drives me nuts.

I have known far too many people with my aspirations who don't do anything to forward them and then wonder why they can'achieve waht they want. I have never wanted this to be me.

I found an entry from 2007 in my diary lamenting my non-director status. I didn't know that less than a year later I'd have been pushed by God to shoot my first feature, but I did.

In the past year I'Ve worked my butt off and now I have a finished feature and hopefully a few fests to show for it.

If I fail let no one say it's because I didn't try.

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July 7, 2009

35 mm
Originally uploaded by Antinatural.

Movies are my music. Let me explain.

You know the way that some people will get a new CD and listen to it over and over again until they know every name and every line of each song? They play it until you just can’t listen to it anymore but they just don’t stop getting the joy out of listening. I do that with movies.

I will watch a movie over, and over and over again until it practically lives in my DVD player. I don’t even have to stop what I am doing and watch it completely, it can be on in the background and keep playing. However, before I am even aware of it I know the shots, the music cues, the lines, and just about every element of the movie. I’ve absorbed it through osmosis, and it’s become an embedded part of my film vocabulary. I will watch a movie till most people think I’m nuts and can’t possibly watch the movie again…but I can.

I used to think I had a problem, or at least that I wasn’t “normal”. Then I realized this is just what I do. It’s part of my make-up as a director. It’s part of why my film professors would tell me I saw things in movies they’d never seen, and why they’d ask me questions about movies. That’s just me, and I like it.