August 12, 2009

God is incredible. I need to remind myself of this every time I feel defeated.

Even though the past year of my life has been amazing and I have watched God move around me in astounding ways, I haven’t felt Him move through me; this was a trivial detail until recently, when it donned on me that I didn’t feel it. This “it” I am referring to might only be understandable to those who share my faith, but if you have the same life-giving belief in Jesus that I do you have probably felt those times where you feel utterly connected to God – you know you are doing what He means for you and there is no greater way to experience the life He gave you. I didn’t realize I wasn’t feeling this until a few weeks ago and once I did the melancholy and felling of being utterly directionless set in.

The thing was, I knew this couldn’t be from God but I didn’t know what to do about it or how to get rid of it. It was like watching my life and the accomplishments of the past year and if they meant nothing, as if everyone makes their own feature films and balances a day job every day, that God didn’t help me do something spectacular and difficult. Then tonight as I sat and poured all of this lament in my diary, adamant that I would remind myself of God’s goodness to me and figure out what path I should be on – the crazy thing is it worked.

In my lamenting I began to write about why I decided to become a director; that it hit me out of the blue like a ton of bricks. My life had always orbited around movies, even making movies, but it took God to lift the veil off my eyes and show me what I had already been doing for years. I prayed over it for a long time before I even told the people closest to me that I wanted to direct and then I gauged their reactions and while no one seemed to expect my announcement it didn’t shock anyone – my friends and family saw it in me. I never wavered because I knew it was from God.

Tonight I remembered. I am on the path God wants me on. I may not know how God plans on getting me to the end game of being a professional director, but I know the why. God wants me to be a director for His glory. To fufill His purposes and because He gave me this talent, drive and passion. I just have to keep pushing forward and know that He will be with me.