January 28, 2010

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Whether 2009 or 2010 is the start of the new decade, I am glad that the numbers on the calendar rolled over and a new year began. I was mentally ready for it. As I’ve already posted several times on this blog, 2009 was a heck of a year.

Yesterday, January 27 was my one year anniversary of being laid off. A lot of people discount my experience when I was laid off because I was hired back after only about five weeks, most people refer to it as my “extended vacation”. This aggravates me to no end. I was not “on vacation”, I was laid off and experienced all the mental trauma and damage that comes with that – trauma that doesn’t go away simply because I was hired back.

It’s true that I was quickly able to be emotionally over my job, but that wasn’t because being laid off didn’t hurt, it was because the job I am currently doing is not my passion and my heart has never been in it. This did not make the flowing weeks easy.

I worried constantly. I worried that I wouldn’t be able to make my car payment and I’d lose my car. I fought with the unemployment system as they continually lost my application. I sent out dozens of resumes, applied to a countless number of jobs and heard nothing. Everyone around you tries to be sympathetic and I am incredibly greatful for the people that helped me but that in itself gets tiring, to know you are always the example of pity when you are with certain people. No matter what you do there is always also the feeling that you can’t shake that there had to be some way this could have all been avoided and your subconscious likes to tell you that other people deserved this more than you did. Even if you try not to listen it pops into your mind.

When I finally got the call by HR and the VP and offered my position back I can tell you I did not want to go back. Not only was I over this job, the management had already essentially told me I was unnecessary to the company and that is a very difficult feeling to put aside. Every emotion and instinct I had did not want to say yes, but in the end I said yes because life prevails. I do still have a car payment, a student loan payment, a phone bill and in general the things life throws at you that all require a job.

I did everything I could to remember that God was in control of the situation not me. One thing that helped me greatly was that I took a photo and posted it on flickr; it was the day after I was laid off and as art always does it helped me to center myself and my emotions and remember that a plan would unfold.

Since being back at my job and annoyed with those telling me I was on “vacation” I’ve slowly come to realize that while in the past twelve months I’ve outwardly lost the effects of being laid off I still have emotional and mental scars. I don’t know if all of them can be healed while I am still employed by the company that got rid of me, but I know God can do great things to heal.

One of the things that started the healing process, as strange as it may seem, was going and seeing Up In The Air. I know art and film usually reach me in a different way than they do the masses since that is my passion, but the chords of this film resonated with me in a cathartic way I am not fully capable of explaining. When I walked out of the theatre I realized I felt better about my situation than I had felt in months.

As the anniversary of being laid off approached I could feel my angst and anxiety rise all over again, so I decided to take action. Not only have I been applying for new jobs again, but I decided I needed to take another picture. I don’t know if this one will have as great an impact on viewers as my original, but I am hoping that at least for me it will provide some small amount of healing.


January 27, 2010

I'm plugging myself in shameless self promotion right now. I have an Etsy Shop where I sell my dabblings in jewelry and photography & aparently the only way to get my stuff seen is with shameless self-promotion. So I encourage you to take a look. I like what I create and I hope you will too.

You can visit my shop by clicking on this link or using the widget in the sidebar.

I promise a real blog post soon. This week is an interesting one.


January 21, 2010

I’m going to admit it – the next ten days might suck a little bit. Sundance is going on.

I have made peace with the fact that independent film is an incredibly hard business right now; everyone is saying it – the economy has hit little films like mine the hardest –no one wants to touch them because the chance of getting a return on them is so incredibly slight. I have made my peace with not getting into Sundance this year, God obviously has other plans for me. However, it’s still incredibly hard to know it’s going on in Utah, and that I would do just about anything to be there, in that culture, experiencing it.

Sundance has been a dream of mine for so long. It’s implanted in a film students head, usually years before they even hit film school that if your film makes it to Sundance that is a stepping stone to success. Even though Sundance has evolved over the years and bigger films have gotten into it, the festival is still looked at as one of the top festivals in existence and it’s incredibly prestigious to go.

Beyond even that though, I just want to be there. I want to see what it’s like to be so incredibly immersed in a film culture that is happening everywhere you look. Everyone that’s there is excited about the new treasures they are going to uncover and the films and art that lurk around every corner. It has to be amazing.

I still want to get a film accepted into Sundance, there is no question about that; eventually though, I may just have to buy a pass, book a hotel and experience the magic for myself.


January 8, 2010

Game Over
Originally uploaded by Nika Fadul
I am really getting tired of this frustrating feeling I have somewhere between free falling and being stuck in place. I think this is the feeling the term "quarter life crisis" was invented for.

I'm 5 years out of college as of May. I am ready to move forward a bit, get some positive goals set forward, but it just isn't happening. Woo hoo.

I think part of what's helping this melancholy stick around is that I am still sick. We are 8 days into 2010 and I've spent everyone in varying states of this fracking cold. It doesn't give me much confidence in 2010.

I've decided to alleviate most of the cold annoyance and stagnation by burning through Battlestar Galactica for the first time. That is a show that can really inspire the creative mind. It had to be insane to work on that show.

Maybe when I get better things will start looking up...and soon I'll be done with the entire BSG series...


Januray 7, 2010

New Year 2010 Signpost
Originally uploaded by Master.Miu
And so I began my new year in a spectcualar fashion - I'm sick. I've been sick every day since the first. Eww. I have a doctor's appointment Monday so that should start making things better. But so far I've been too out of it to look at festivals to apply to. That needs to be corrected this weekend.

However, I am happy that I decided to start a 365 photography project again this year. I haven't done one since 2008 when I was crazy enough to do two at once. This year I will be taking one picture a day, no theme to it except my life. If you want to see the photos they are being psoted on flickr at flickr.com/mrbosslady. I'm excited to document my year.