December 17 2009

I am two hours away from seeing the first narrative Cameron film in twelve years. I cannot tell you how excited I am. This man does sci-fi better than anyone. I am waiting for my world to be rocked.

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December 10, 2009

"Make Your Own Planner" Workshop
Originally uploaded by Avital Gertner

2009 has been an interesting year, but not necessarily a good one. As the year draws to its inevitable conclusion and ushers in some new numbers on the calendar, I thought I would look back at the events in my life for the year that was and see if for posterity’s sake I could possibly learn something about this year in my life.

From the very opening day of 2009 I remember being filled with a sense of optimism. I thought that 2009 was going to bring good things in my life, finally. I wasn’t sure what positive change was on its way, but I was sure it was coming; I thought perhaps my film career might finally catch a break, it was a year where I thought I might finally get to move out on my own, I hoped my film would turn some heads and get some notice and I wished that I would finally be able to quit my day job and work in the field that makes me happy. None of these things happened.

On January 27 I was laid off – less than a week before my birthday. My boss actually cried. It’s a strange thing to be laid off from a job you don’t really care about. I loved the people, didn’t enjoy the customer service & would rather be working in film, but my job gave me the security of a pay check and that is a necessity of life. I remember vowing I wasn’t going to let this devastate me. The next morning I got up, got dressed and began working on my resume again. I was applying for jobs starting the day after my birthday.

Being laid off blew. I swiftly realized how bad the economy must truly be as I didn’t get an interview for a single job whether it was a film job or a customer service. As if that weren’t bad enough the California Unemployment system bites the big one – they lost my application & it took almost a month for them to start giving me benefits.

March rolled around and I was given a call by the head of HR at the job that laid me off. The new VP of my department wanted to schedule a phone call with me. I agreed and when he called he laid out that after he took over as my bosses boss he took a survey and realized that my position is one that shouldn’t have been eliminated. It was a strange thing. I was mentally over my job, ready & so willing to move on, but God pushed me back and I became an art coordinator again.

Shortly after I came back to work I began to assume more responsibilities for the department; training, proofing, learning new systems, learning art programs, taking on more customers. All of that was met with the announcement that not only would we not be getting raises this year, but that we were all going to be forced to take a pay cut. I am now doing a tougher job than before I was laid off for less money.

Since before the new year began I had been working with my editor to try and push END for a June competition date. Once picture was locked and it was time to move on to sound things got twitchy. It seems like anything technical that could go wrong did go wrong. However, we managed to persevere and almost exactly a year after Christopher and I dreamed up the thought of making a movie we managed to complete the beast.

Starting in June we began to submit END to festivals. I knew going into the process that the market was tough and not only were we a little film, but being a non-linear, non-zombie, zombie film was going to throw some people. However, I was spurred by the fact that I think END is amazing and everyone who’s seen the film enjoys it. That was in June. It’s now December and no festival has accepted us & I won’t comment on how many we submitted to. As each festival schedule gets announced I see big names get their films in the line-up and I am realizing more & more that this is no longer a market where the little-film-that-could can compete against a film with a major star behind or in front of the camera. I’m trying to create a strategy, but it’s like swimming upstream during a flood.

July brought us the cast & crew screening of END; one of the most nerve wracking occasions of my life. The event went well, the audience loved the finished product and I survived public exhibition of my work. I can’t tell you how cool it was to see my film projected on a movie screen, in the dark, with audience watching.

The summer also brought another major event to my life. Two of my best friends, who had been dating for over two years, ended their relationship. This has caused a ripple effect of strange through my life as they shared all of our mutual friends. It’s been very hard to try to stay neutral and not take sides and certain ongoing, uncomfortable situations have arisen because of it.

With September rolled in my grandmother’s quickly ailing health. My mother took many trips to Arizona to see her, but by the end of October she was gone. Seeing the grave where my grandfather has been buried since I was five was more emotional that I care to admit.

The fall also rolled in more health problems for the Welch sons. Jonathon began to have more residual damage from his staph infection and it’s a possibility that he now has some form of arthritis in all the joints of his body. He snaps, crackles & pops whenever he moves. Christopher also suddenly began a major health issue – seizures. These seizures bring severe pain, and are greatly inhibiting one side of his body. The doctors still don’t know what is causing them.

In November I was in a car accident. Yet again, while sitting at a red light with Christopher in the car I was read ended…by 3 cars. My poor Arthur is still at the body shop being repaired.

As December has marched on I’ve found out that END did not get into Sundance; I’ve taken my older brother to bizarre neurologist tests; I’ve decorated 4 Christmas trees. I am waiting for 2009 to end, but more than anything I am waiting for this season of my life to transition into a new one. I am still confident that God has a grander design for my life than I am seeing, but right now I don’t know if I can see any of the path in front of me. It’s irritating, but I am trying to discover what God wants me to learn from it all.

I don’t know what my outlook will be when 2010 is rung in, and honestly, it saddens me a little to think that I won’t be able to go into this coming year as optimistic as I was when I started 2009.

November 26, 2009

Sunrise beyond Mayflower the 2nd
Originally uploaded by joiseyshowaa

I'll be honest, I know it's Thanksgiving today but for some reason I am having trouble getting into the spirit of Thanksgiving.

I know I have so much to be thankful for but 2009 has been a hard, stress filled year and I am exhausted. I feel like I have been waiting for a new chapter in my life to start for quite a long time and it's still miles and miles away. I am mentally strained at the thought that my life is much the same as it was a year ago.

What I am thankful for is that I have two brothers that by the grace of God and the miracles of modern medicine are still alive. Both are going through periods of pain and struggle with their health but they are both alive and fighting. My brother's each provide something unique and special to my life and I don't know what I would be like without their influence.

I am also thankful for the movies, as cheesy as that sounds. Through the thick and thin of this year when I have come home exhausted, or so stressed I can't think of how to even accomplish daily tasks I still get a sense of peace and inspiration from movies. No matter when I can turn on a film and soon the masterful motions of Scorsese, Reitman or Wilder are enthralling me, or the comedy of Brooks, Favreau and Stiller makes me forget being yelled at by a franchisee. It's an artistic well that keeps being filled in my life.

I also have to do the cliche and be thankful for my job even though it's not one I want. I spent a chunk of this year as a laid off stastic...and it stunk. No one wanted to interview me because there were no jobs and only workign on END got me through it. When my job called and said they wanted to rehire me I was resistant because if you read this blog you know that my passion and drive does not exist in customer service, but I had to have something to pay the bills and so I went back. If it weren't for that I might still be collecting unemployment and complaining that I can't get hired or into film festivals and this would be a very different blog.

I am going to do my best today to change my attitude and belive it or not writing this blog has already helped a little. I encourage you to look at your past year and do the same. Look back, find the good and the bad and really examine the good. You might just see that no matter how little good you think there was in the past twelve months that it just might outweigh the bad.

October 27 2009

I saw the U2 360 tour on Sunday & let me tell you it was the best concert experience of my life. There are no people cooler than Bono & the boys.

Part of what inspires me about U2 is the genuine heart all 4 of them project & how they want to actually do something good with their influence.

I amy not be a musician but I'd really like to model myself after them.

October 21, 2009

Bad intentions.
Originally uploaded by Maria takes pictures.

Since blogging a few weeks ago about not having a lot to report I have some semi interesting things to report. Figures it always happens that way.

The first interesting bit of news is that I have a potential job interview. I say it's potential because they want to schedule a phone interview with me and it hasn't been confirmed yet. The job is not a film job, but it is a more creative job and that would be awesome - to be able to use some of my skills and no mroe customer service? It's nice to even jsut be considered.

The other bit of good news is that I seems to have tapped into some bit of inner creative spirit again. I don't know if this is because of the potential job prospect, watching Supernatural at an unhealthy pace, the upcoming holiday season or just God providing me with the juice again but that's helped me tremendously. It's changed my attitude about submitting to festivals some, and hearing about rejections or not hearing anything at all - there's still a lot that can happen with END and I just have to keep trying. Wether or not anything happens with my film, it was a first feature effort and there will have to be a second - as much as that thought exhausts me mentally and physically.

Halloween is coming up as well and I am proud to say I am very excited that I have plans. I don't hav eplans for the actual day of (I'll probaby continue my tradition of the BtVS halloween episodes and throw in some Supernatural) but the weekend after my surrogate niece is celebrating her 16th birthday and it's a costume party. It will be a lot of fun and I cannot believe she is already 16! I swear when I first met her boys weren't even something she thought about and this year she already went through her first boyfriend!

The kid is going to be Snow White for her birthday party as the theme is fantasy and she's asking everyone to come as their favorite fantasy character. I wanted to come as Lois Lance (since I can't be Superman) but that really didn't seem to make much sense as I can't get a Superman to come with me, so I went with plan B. I won't be a specific character, but Star Trek defined my childhood so I got the classic Trek girls uniform, gold of course as I need to be a command officer.

Anyway, while October has flown by and I still wish I had cooler announcements to make I guess I can just be glad that I am enjoying life right now and have some fun things to look forward to.

October 14 2009

Last Friday I helped video the 30th anniversary of my company. While corporate video is obviously now what I dream of doing with my life it was nice to at least be enjoying what I was doing at work. However it did remind me that I still need my mac, a deck & some other accessories so I can play on my own.

I've always believed in the starving artist cliche. Things have to be worse before they can get better & honestly there is a lot of craziness going on in my life right now with family drama, work, END & the million other things that keep coming my way. I am still confident that I am doing what God wants me to do but I am exhausting myself.

I am hoping that perhaps soon I will get some other projects or good news that can be shared & enjoyed. We will have to see what time brings.

October 12 2009

I got my hair cut Friday & I love it. The blue is clip in but I've been feeling the need for an edgier\cooler look for awhile which is hard with curly hair but I have a fantastic stylist.

Not a lot has been going on lately. Christopher assures me he'll have another script for me soon but my brain is so exhausted from END & work that I'm having trouble being excited for that. To try to jump start my creative brain I've been trying to watch good films in the theatre & decided to catch up on Supernatural on dvd as the current season of that show is completely brilliant to me.

I'm also excited for a fun project to do for Halloween & I just shot our corporate anniversary...

September 29, 2009

074 - 15.03.07
Originally uploaded by I'm godmother

I was a page at Paramount Pictures for about a year; along with giving tours and working on TV tapings we'd sometimes be pimped out as temps to other departments at Paramount. I only did one semi-long term temp gig and that was in the TV contracts division. Let me tell you, that somehow managed to be less exciting than it sounds - shocker, I know.

Durring my few weeks as part of the TV contracts department highlighters became my best friend. You see the job another page and I were assigned was to go over the TV schedules for all these backwoods markets, find the Paramount series they were running in syndication and verify the times we were told they were running versus the schedules they had on the web...and we'd highlight discrepancies & matches.

I've done a lot of mind numbing jobs in my time but this was one of the most draining tasks I've ever performed for eight hours a day.

I started thinking of this because my art department has brought on some temps for a few weeks. They're not even doign anything as exciting as lookign at TV schedules and callign station managers - they're entering coupons into a spreadsheet.

So glad that's not me.

September 26 2009

I'm not normally all that groovy looking on the weekend but I got in the mood this weekend & totally decided to do my makeup, hair & dress cute to go shopping. Sturck out on shoe shopping though.

Fantastic Fest is going on right now & I am having trouble rwading the coverage because I so want END to get into festivals. It's upsetting to see big films with distribution get into fewtw & get exposure when little films like mine that desprately need the coverage, press & exposure can't get in because we can't compete with a polished, expensive film.

Christopher & I need to figure out how to get or film even a small amount of notice. We are going to need help making our next feature & we can't do much unless people start to discover the products we produce.

I have faith God will do something, I just don't know what that something is.

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September 22 2009

I decided to be different today & try something new for lunch. I've never been a sushi person but I started craving CA rolls yesterday. Luckily, I remembered Trader Joes carries little lunch sized sushi rolls for $3. I am glad I had an interesting lunch to look forward to as it's been a bad week that coninued today.
My attitude in regards to my prospective directing career have improved since Sunday & I have to say that's definitelt due to God & an absolutely crappy week at work.

I'm about to make my way through Alfonso Curaon's filmography for a blog article I'm working on...that should help too.

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September 19, 2009

14
Originally uploaded by babyex

My entire life I’ve been taught to be independent, to be ambitious, and to push towards goals and continue to work until you achieve them. I was prepared to work hard, to work under any conditions presented to me, and to just keep at it all until my work is recognized. What I am not prepared for is what to do when you work this hard and no one cares.

No matter how hard I work, how good I do, or how great the product I’ve made is no one wants it. If I try or if I don’t no one sees me. No one sees the work I do. This is the one obstacle I can’t seem to overcome. I don’t know what to do next or how to continue past this. I feel dead in the water.

There is nothing harder as an artist than to continually toil and create new things and have no one want to see it, and have no way to get people to see it.

It rips out a little of my inspiration and creative essence every time I read those words printed on an unobtrusive e-mail. The phrases “not accepted”, “a number of gifted applicants”, “a shortage of slots” and a number of other negative phrases will soon send me into a spiral even deeper than the gentle slope I am on now. The phrase “we look forward to seeing your future works” might just be one of the meanest, uncaring phrases ever typed on a keyboard.

What no one prepares you for as an artist is what to do when you make what is a well crafted, beautiful piece of art and because of your lack of connections, lack of star power, or lack of funding cannot make it past your own door step. How can I take the next step artistically if no one provides me with a path?

Septermber 10 2009

I love movies. That's why I am trying to push this boulder uphill & make this a career. Still, I have recently come to the conclusion that I want my drama to stay in my movies.

I am hoping it is a phase but lately it seems like I have had an upsurge of drsma in my life. I was laid off, unemployment was a joke, I was rehird & my job changed completely while I was gone, a good friend decided to cut me out of her life, my brothers both ended relationships, 2 of my best friends ended their relationship, a friend has a huge crush on me (making me quite uneasy), my grandmother is slowly dying, etc. And on top of that I am still trying to push END.

Yesterday I decided I hit my limit. I have hit my drama quotient for 2009. Unless there is something positive coming, the rest of my drama can wait for 2010 to hit.

If only it were that easy.

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Spetember 4 2009

So I am sitting in the break room at work, fuming because its been a frustrating week and to top it off they officially blocked the internet today.

I am cool with doing my surfing at home but two basic things piss me off about this. 1) I work in the ART DEPT. We get told constantly to go online to pull photos, colors, etc. 2) I use withoutabox periodically to check on festival submissions and upcoming deadlines. I need to browse the web. I don't stream content or download.

Grrr. Let's get END into some festivals!

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September 2, 2009

Film reels on the Hollywood subway
Originally uploaded by Rodents rule

It's time for me to figure out how to make a demo reel.

Youmight think it's a little late for me to be doing this as I have a feature film and 3 short films already in the can, but it's not. For a long time I didn't have enough to put on a demo reel, and what's held me back since I shot END is that I don't have the right equipment to make my own reel. I have been holding out hoping I was goign to get my mac and final cut, but I still don't have it.

It's time to bite the bullet and make it though. I need to get moving forward.

August 27, 2009

43/365 - Follow The Yellow Brick Road
Originally uploaded by Crystal ♥

I found out I am close to getting into a really cool festival…close but not in. This prospect is driving me nuts. I want to be able to celebrate and plan and figure out how I am going to manage to be at the festival – but I can’t because we won’t get the official word I’m in or not until Labor Day.

I feel like I’m walking the yellow brick road only I don’t know where it leads. I never expected to get into every festival, in fact I know my movie is so unusual that a lot of festivals won’t want it, but I need a win.

I need a festival to swoop in and endorse my film – endorse me. I need to be legitimized as a director. All I feel like right now is a customer service rep who happens to know a lot about art and knows way too much about movies. I can’t hide the fact that I need to move away from this and be an artist, a director.

If I made it into an important film festival and could actually start moving my film career forward it would be a blessing for me in every way. For the first time in my life I would feel like I was not just moving forward artistically but moving my career forward and you have no idea how cool and rewarding that would feel.

No matter what I will continue following this yellow brick road wherever it leads – and I’ll do it in very cute shoes.

August 21 2009

The logo for Bobs Big Boy always makes me think of Terminator. I love that film & Cameron. The teaser for Avatar hit yesterday & even though I've already seen footage from the film I was still excited. An excitement that bled into the fact that Inglorious Basterds comes out today and I get to spend 2+ hours with Tarantino.

What I love about directors like Cameron & Tarantino is that you can watch their films and see them in them. Every frame speaks of the artist. I don't have that yet but I am working on it.

I am still waiting on news on film festivals for END. It's nerve wracking & I hate it. So much of my future as a director hangs on this film & I would love to have good news to share. God will be faithful either way.

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August 15, 2009

Action Comics 866
Originally uploaded by istolethetv

Please, please, please Warner Brothers. Hire me for Superman. I would make the Superman film that made him the franchise you really wanted.

Variety's article on the new Superman ruling lays everything out that lets me know I could make the Superman movie they need.

August 12, 2009

God is incredible. I need to remind myself of this every time I feel defeated.

Even though the past year of my life has been amazing and I have watched God move around me in astounding ways, I haven’t felt Him move through me; this was a trivial detail until recently, when it donned on me that I didn’t feel it. This “it” I am referring to might only be understandable to those who share my faith, but if you have the same life-giving belief in Jesus that I do you have probably felt those times where you feel utterly connected to God – you know you are doing what He means for you and there is no greater way to experience the life He gave you. I didn’t realize I wasn’t feeling this until a few weeks ago and once I did the melancholy and felling of being utterly directionless set in.

The thing was, I knew this couldn’t be from God but I didn’t know what to do about it or how to get rid of it. It was like watching my life and the accomplishments of the past year and if they meant nothing, as if everyone makes their own feature films and balances a day job every day, that God didn’t help me do something spectacular and difficult. Then tonight as I sat and poured all of this lament in my diary, adamant that I would remind myself of God’s goodness to me and figure out what path I should be on – the crazy thing is it worked.

In my lamenting I began to write about why I decided to become a director; that it hit me out of the blue like a ton of bricks. My life had always orbited around movies, even making movies, but it took God to lift the veil off my eyes and show me what I had already been doing for years. I prayed over it for a long time before I even told the people closest to me that I wanted to direct and then I gauged their reactions and while no one seemed to expect my announcement it didn’t shock anyone – my friends and family saw it in me. I never wavered because I knew it was from God.

Tonight I remembered. I am on the path God wants me on. I may not know how God plans on getting me to the end game of being a professional director, but I know the why. God wants me to be a director for His glory. To fufill His purposes and because He gave me this talent, drive and passion. I just have to keep pushing forward and know that He will be with me.

August 5 2009

Today HR decided as part of their morale booster program to make it "disco wednesday" & pipe disco music into the break areas. If you can't tell from the pictures none of us have our morale boosted.

What is fun today is I am getting Leopard & CS4 added to my mac here. I really want a mac at home! I loathe cutting video on pc.

I am trying to be more positive with the day job because I know I am not being stagnant. I barely finished post-production 2 months ago & am submitting to film festivals. It's disheartening to not get into fests but I know there is a long road ahead of me and I am willing to take it.

Until I can give this up I will grin & bear the day job.

July 30, 2009

I am beyond tired today and I don’t just mean in the physical sense.

It’s suddenly become physically exhausting for me to bring myself into the day job every day. The problem with having a finished film and being immersed in a place like Comic-Con is that it makes it painfully obvious to me that I have other goals in life, goals that do not include answering phones to help screaming customers realize the problem is they are looking in the wrong art folder on their system.

I know I’ve been through phases like this before but I suddenly can’t remember when. I can only think of how downtrodden I was when I first ceased being a Page and had no remotely film-related prospects, but that’s not the case now. Sure, I may be waiting anxiously for any kind of word on getting END into film festivals, but I at least have that.

My only consolation right now is that it’s not my efforts that are going to do anything but Gods. I can’t make anything happen. I have to go through the motions, apply to things, and do the best job I can do as a director and an artist but my success lies not on me but on where God plans for me to go. Sure, this can be very frustrating, but it can also be very freeing. I know that I am not alone and that something greater is at work that I just can’t see.

Who knows, maybe I’ll get rejected from every film festival until that one unique festival presents itself and all kinds of doors will open to me and my film. Perhaps I won’t get into any but the right people will still end up seeing the film and gates will open. Or maybe there is a whole other plan all together. I just have to trust that I am doing what I am meant to do and move forward from there.

I know this doesn’t sound concrete or logical to some, but it sounds pretty dang good to me. Now only if coffee would take care of waking the physical part of me up so I can concentrate on trying to be a decent employee for the day job.

July 28, 2009

Coming back to work after something like Comic-Con is really hard. I would so much rather be working on a film.

July 25 2009

It's no secret that I want to work with Robert Downey Jr. someday. I have a dream project he would be perfect for, a project I have dreamed about making for years.

I got to see RDj talk yesterday and I am so stoked that he seems just as genuine, funny & humble in person as everyone says he is. It makes me want to work with him more.

I love Con but it is the one thing that can depress & excite me more than anything else. It renews my vigor to become a director & keep pushing towards my goals.

I need to get END seen, get some more work & start making my way up the directing ladder as much as I can.

I do think that God will be faithful. With Him I cannot fail.

July 17, 2009

In this process there are up days and down days. Right now I am having a down day.

July 14, 2009

Theatre Seats
Originally uploaded by lungstruck

On Friday the 10th we screened END for cast, crew and friends. It was pretty darn amazing. I was a ball of nerves the whole time; I didn’t think I’d manage to sit through the entire film but I did sit through most of it – just in the back unable to look at the screen most of the time.

The single coolest moment was when it struck me that there were almost 100 people in the Cal State Fullerton theatre, sitting in the dark, watching my movie. Everything I’ve worked towards since I graduated film school was aligned at that point and I was somewhere between elation and crying. It was an amazing moment and I really hope that I can experience it again before too long.

I know that you expect people who know you to tell you they love what you did even if they didn’t but every single person that talked to me after the screening raved about the movie, and they all said something different; I’d think they just made them up to make me feel better but the kind of things they were pulling out, commenting on, saying that moved them – you can’t make all of that up on the fly. Plus there’s the fact that I have several people (including my Dad) that want to keep talking about my movie.

That makes me really damn hopeful. I want to do two things: get my film in to festivals and get a paid directing gig; I want to me able to get into what I want to be doing with my life.

Friday was a great day, but it has officially robbed me of any and all ambition to be at the day job. I just can’t sit in my chair any more and pretend that I care about direct mail ads and making sure they make it to the printer on time. Let’s face it – does anyone really need a coupon for mystic tanning, zoom whitening or a pedicure? I just can’t deal with my clients. I’m a director and I don’t care whose client needs their restaurant ad back in two hours because they forgot to send it to us on time. It’s bad this week. Mentally at least.

In a few weeks I should start hearing, or not hearing from festivals. I am really praying that God puts me in a position to get the film and my people recognized.

July 11 2009

The site of the cast and crew screening of my film. More detqils later. I am exhausted.

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July 9 2009

I have a coworker that also wants to break into film production, she and I actually discuss it a lot.

Yesterday she was lamenting to me about not being able to get a film job & saying how she wasn't working on anything and wasn't willing to drive to or live in LA. This drives me nuts.

I have known far too many people with my aspirations who don't do anything to forward them and then wonder why they can'achieve waht they want. I have never wanted this to be me.

I found an entry from 2007 in my diary lamenting my non-director status. I didn't know that less than a year later I'd have been pushed by God to shoot my first feature, but I did.

In the past year I'Ve worked my butt off and now I have a finished feature and hopefully a few fests to show for it.

If I fail let no one say it's because I didn't try.

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July 7, 2009

35 mm
Originally uploaded by Antinatural.

Movies are my music. Let me explain.

You know the way that some people will get a new CD and listen to it over and over again until they know every name and every line of each song? They play it until you just can’t listen to it anymore but they just don’t stop getting the joy out of listening. I do that with movies.

I will watch a movie over, and over and over again until it practically lives in my DVD player. I don’t even have to stop what I am doing and watch it completely, it can be on in the background and keep playing. However, before I am even aware of it I know the shots, the music cues, the lines, and just about every element of the movie. I’ve absorbed it through osmosis, and it’s become an embedded part of my film vocabulary. I will watch a movie till most people think I’m nuts and can’t possibly watch the movie again…but I can.

I used to think I had a problem, or at least that I wasn’t “normal”. Then I realized this is just what I do. It’s part of my make-up as a director. It’s part of why my film professors would tell me I saw things in movies they’d never seen, and why they’d ask me questions about movies. That’s just me, and I like it.

June 30 2009

A few days ago Christopher & I took a day trip to San Diego. I love San Diego, I think down town is beautiful, inspiring and the kind of place that gives me a relaxed creqtive vibe I can thrive off of. I wouldn't mind living in downtown someday.

The thing that struck me this time though is how much Comic Con is entertwined in my feelings about that city and can give me an electric charge even when it's not there. I walk down a side street and I see the corner where a Storm Trooper was riding a motorcycle. I see people of all kinds spilling out the doors of the convention center and onto the street. I see the shocked bar patrons as a group of Dr. Who fans congregate to eat and flout the establishments dress code.

There is nothing like Con. For someone like me who doesn't get to be around a vast amount of people who understand my creative influences Con is a breath of fresh air in a world that thinks I'm a movie snob. There they just accept that I've seen even more films than they have

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June 26, 2009

http://www.flickr.com/photos/anendfor/256201972/
Originally uploaded by anendFor (é um anagrama, pô)

I have to say that one of the most amusing things about my day job is that a few key people know that I have made a movie outside of my department and are fascinated by it. One patron of the arts in particular is the IT manager, we’ll call him Doug.

Doug is estatic I have made a movie and wants to ask me constantly about movies I like, why I like them, etc. Now that Doug knows my film is done he loves to ask me questions about being a director. Today he decided to pick my brain about my artistic process and how I make decisions about my shots, working with my actors, etc. It’s always fun too because he’s afraid of people overhearing us and figuring that I don’t want to be too long at this company so the instant someone from outside my department walks by he gets real quiet or starts talking about something else.

Personally, I kind of love this. It’s like I already have a groupie, and I’m getting interviewed.

It’s nice to have a fan.

June 22, 2009

I am very glad to have the film done but now I am playing a waiting game and it is making me anxious. Even worse than that is that work has been unbearably slow lately (as evidenced by the above picture which Patti did not know I was taking) so not only is that scary but it'S hard to keep your mind occupied when you have nothing to do. Plus it makes me long to be on set even more. I really wish I could have some on set visits right now...

June 21, 2009

I went to a Angel\Dodger game last night. I have to say that I don't get sports. Movies are definitely my bag. What gets me is the fans. Drunken sports fans are annoying. I don't understand why they feel the need to get drunk and scream at each other. I am a movie fanatic but I don't go to the theatre, stand up in the middle of an act and scream about how f---ing phenominal the director is handling the story beat. Why must sports fanatics slosh beer, scream & insult? Ugh. Give me a movie any day. The only time I'Ve gotten that rowdy was when Scorsesse won his Oscar.

June 16, 2009

Berlin 040
Originally uploaded by pirano

A lot has been going on lately and most of it is occurances that make me want to leave the day job and leave it now. I know I say this a lot, and I don't mean to complain but it's true.

The good thing that's been happening is that we are putting END into submission for film festivals. We are in consideration for four so far. I am not telling people which ones so that they won't know when to expect the good or bad news. While I don't expect to get into every festival that we apply to getting into a couple would be good. I also desprately want to get into Sundance, so I hope and pray that the film will be elegible for that and that Sundance would want us. I've wanted to be a part for Sundance even before I realized I wanted to direct.

Applying to film festivals has made me really want to go to film festivals. I am seriously having day dreams about what it would be like to be an invited director with a film in the festival. I'd feel like a bonefied director for sure. It would definitely be a confirmation that I can do this, and that I am following God's direction.

I was already experiencing those good pangs of angst when yesterday my day job announced that we all have to take a 5% pay cut to avoid further layoff's. As a victim of this companies previous layoff's I do not want anyone else to loose their job, I got mine back but I am the rare occurance. It's just that I am beginning to feel like the poster girl for the economic crisis.

Since January I've been laid off, re-hired, watched my friends loose their jobs, had the unemployment office bounce me around, been told it's going to be hard to become a director because of the studios restructuring due to the crisis and now I'm loosing more off my pay check. My psyche is feeling the pain.

I still think that 2009 can be a great year, I just find that more and more of my energy is being zapped and I really want it to stop.

June 9, 2009

March 1st
Originally uploaded by oliverwilke

We've started the process of applying to film festivals and I am already on pins and needles. It's no secret that I have a lot writing on End, and more than anything I want the hard work the cast and crew put into the film to pay off for them. Now, it's kind of like applying to colleges - I apply, I know I won't get in everywhere and in the end I wait on pins and needles for months to find out who wants to show the movie and who doesn't.

This is really where I have to put all of my trust in God, that He will get End where he wants it to be, and that if He wants me to be able to do this directing thing full time that it will happen.

Meanwhile, I wait.

June 8 2009

I just discovered that Sundance in 2010 will coencide with the 1 year anniversary of my getting laid off. I already wanted to get into that fest badly and now I want to get into it even worse. I hope God has good things in store for our little movie, perhaps even a way to become a full time director. I will jump for joy the day that happens...and the day a film of mine gets into a huge festival.

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June 2, 2009

Shameless self-promotion here. this is not the actual poster for my film. I made this as a blog header for the END blog but I thought it was cool...

May 30 2009

Sound mixing session.

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May 26, 2009

This is what I eat for lunch on a typical day at work - I can't even get inspired enough to make lunch. I need to get my movie career kicked into overdrive. Then I'll actully like going to work...and craft services will feed me.

May 25 2009

It's Memorial Day & I'm about to see a Robert Downey jr movie again. I loved The Soloist the first time and am glad Susan wanted to see it today. Now I need an excuse to see Star Trek for the 4th time....perhaps I can talk Lauren (Susan's daughter\my actress) into seeing it agqin. That way she can oggle Zachary Quinto & I can enjoy Chris Pine...

May 18, 2009

Nancy Drew and The Ghostly Soundboard Haunting
Originally uploaded by McBeth

I’ve encountered by first huge problem as a director/executive producer. Someone I was relying on to be a huge part of my movie quit on me. I have refused to let this situation stop us, but it’s disheartening.

It’s disheartening because it was a friend and I know her reasons behind it are completely and utterly askew. She’s been going through a bad patch recently and she is letting life beat her, believing that everyone else on my crew is out to attack her instead of believing what we were actually doing which was extending an additional opportunity to her that she didn’t have access to. As a result she’s completely shut down, shut me out and I fear that I’ve not only lost a creative partner, but possibly a friend. I can hope that she will come to her senses but as someone that knows her well, I do not see that happening.

What this situation has proven to me is that God is constantly faithful, and that he has given me the personal ability to pull through this and still see the end game, but also the right people. The remaining people on my team have stepped up, pushed through and are dead set on making sure this set back does not actually set us behind. I know that things will get done and possibly, my movie and my fortitude as a director will be better for it.

I hope my friend will pull through this, but I have to wonder that if she’d shut me out so completely like this, if we were really ever as close as I thought we were. She remains in my prayers, but my film can continue on without her.

May 10, 2009

making my way through the infinite meloncholy...
Originally uploaded by ansel mcadams

At the risk of sounding like I am complaining I have felt very down today, melonsholy in fact.

As I am finishing my movie I am so conflicted with emotions. While I am sure that I will be even prouder of the film than I am now, it's only the first stop in a very long process. "Miles to go before I sleep" keeps running through my head. If one more (well-meaning) person asks me when we can screen the movie I might snap. Nothing is simple.

I came off a good movie high this weekend with Star Trek but somehow even this has managed to depress me a bit. It's depressedme because a good movie makes me happy like nothing else, it makes me remember the magic of the movies and why I felt called to become a director in the first place...and that leads to me remembering that I cannot yet be a full time director. I can't make the movies that millions will see and get the same feeling that I got after seeing Star Trek. Instead, I have to continue the daily grind at a job that kills brain cells.

Then there are the events that have been happening to some of my friends. They are all getting their careers well under way and being paid well for it, being responsibile adults in their own right. Then there is me. My day job is unrelated to what I want to do with my life and on top of that the pay is terrible and I feel like I cannot be a full-fledged adult on my own terms.

What I use to console myself is the fact that every artist has to struggle, and struggle badly before they make it so my plight is not uncommon. I also know that God has called me to this path, I was nowhere near thinking about a career in film when God smaked me upside the head with a giant plank of wood and said "pay attention".

God has a plan for me and I need to be faithful in believing that He will help guide me and to continue to push forwad and not expect God to hand me anything.

I no doubt will snap out of this funk before too long.

May 3, 2009

mscew I
Originally uploaded by tervaja

I feel like I've been a little M.I.A. in my own life recently. Stress at the day job has really been taking it's toll.

Between being in the final stages of post production on End, working OT at the day job, making a press kit, the swine flu paranoia, the economic crisis & trying to maintain contact with my friends and family I feel a little bogged down. There just aren't enough hours in the day.

I am so ready to concentrace on filmmaking and not on balancing a day job and my career. It would free up so much of my psyche not to have to worry about the 8-5 while striving forward.

Oh well, this is a new week. It's possible I will be in the final mix by the weekend, and I am detirmined not to get booged down. God is with me always.

April 28, 2009

Project 365 - Day 173
Originally uploaded by mrbosslady

I had a hefty list of "To Do's" last summer because we pushed out End so incredibly quickly. Time whirred by.

It's been almost a year since I read the script for the first time and I'm still just as busy with the film - just in a totally different way. Here's what I've been doing since this weekend.

• Work with the sound editor
  
• Listen to new music cues
  
• Rewrite the FAQ's for the press kit
  
• Write the first draft of the Director's Statement for the press kit
  
• Talk to the editor about final outputs
  
• Misc. duties as assigned.
  

The last one is a work joke...but it still kinda applies here.

April 20, 2009

49er Drive In, Speakers
Originally uploaded by David Tribby Photography

Summer says a lot of different things to people - heat, sand, water, waves, tanning, bugs, BBQ, and even swimming pools.

To me it has always said movies.

It's not that I live for buckets of popcorn, testosterone & explosions, but that summer movie season is the time that it's okay to go to the movies for everyone. People wait in lines, anticipate what's coming out next week and excitedly hope it will be everything it promises to be. In short, everyone becomes someone like me for a brief few months.

This summer also means an end to post production on my film. I am going to have my very first feature film completely under my belt.

But right now it's in the 90's at 9:30 at night and it's in the middle of April...so I guess I need to stop fantisizing about summer and get back to work.

Thus concludes my essay on what summer means to me.

April 16, 2009

great nite in
Originally uploaded by SpacePotato

I had a better day at work, but now I want to watch a movie...and I have a problem. I have over 200 DVD's and a netflix account, and I cannot figure out what movie I want to watch.

It's not that I dislike my movies, but my movie mood is constantly shifting and times like now I just want a different movie than one I have.

April 15, 2009

Into nowhere, somewhere
Originally uploaded by rasenkantenstein

Work has been crazy lately. My day job has always been a bit insane, but a whole new level of stress has been introduced. It makes me yearn to put the day job behind me and for my actual career to begin. There’s only so much longer I can take dealing with our entire workforce being outsourced to a company that doesn’t understand or care what our jobs are.

Things are moving along with End though I am definitely not as patient as I was a few months ago. End has been living with me for almost a year now and I am tired. I also think the stress from my day job is making me take everything for End harder than I normally would.

Normally, I don’t let people view rough cuts of my films because I learned a long time ago that a lot of people just don’t understand rough cuts, they watch it and can’t see the final film. However, I broke my rule and let someone who is working on another aspect of post watch the rough for idea. This person gave me their honest thoughts on the film, and though I am glad they did (and I had to respectfully disagree with them) they’re comments are bothering me more than they should; I think these comments are bothering me because of the stress that is weighing on me right now.

Anyone that has been through film school knows that everyone has an opinion on your work, and the problem with that is that they all filter their opinion through their own artistic lens; as a result most of the comments either come from them feeling what they would have done, or otherwise plain and simple not accounting for what your plans/visions are. I got used to it quickly in film school. It stopped bothering me because I realized that until I have enough credibility to my name as a director everyone with a video camera is going to have their opinion on what I do. But these recent comments are getting to me and I need to make them stop.

God has been with me since the first day I read the script. I entered into this film not to become instantly famous, but to learn in a way that film school couldn’t teach me. I don’t need to light the industry on fire with End because I know that I am a good director with a good movie, but I am going to continue to evolve throughout my entire career – I am not as great a filmmaker as I will be in five years. However, God has gotten my film this far and I am waiting to see where He will continue to take this film as time progresses…if we ever get out of post.

---

“The future, always so clear to me, had become like a black highway at night. We were in uncharted territory now, making up history as we went along.”

Sarah Connor
Terminator 2

March 30, 2009

The future is a funny thing.

When I look ahead I can't see anything clearly, it's a big blank slate and yet at the same time my movie is all I can see.

It's fruitless to want answers because the answers would take all the thrill and anticipation out of the waiting, and yet the waiting can get on your nerves so badly that all you want is for the answers to come. It's a gloriously hideous catch-22.

One day all the waiting, all the questioning, all the long nights and frusturating moments will all be worth it. One way or another, God delivers and makes all things good or bad, perfect for His plan.

March 27, 2009

Ambition
Originally uploaded by Slavin@

I feel like I complain a lot but I am going to do it again. It would be really nice if my day job and my career ambition were the same thing. That would make life a heck of a lot easier. I don't want my office job to become my career ambition, quite the opposite. I finally want to be able to be a full time director.

I cannot wait for that day. How I will praise God when that happens.

I know that this happening will not suddenly perfect my life. But it will still be a step in the right direction.

March 24, 2009

Well, life is mostly resuming as it was before I was laid off. I suppose that is a good thing.

Work still sucks, but there seems to be some things in place that may help it get better - good thing too. That's not to say that I don't sit at work everyday wishing that I was actually on set or somehow working on my movie; I do sit at work and wish that, I'm just wishing that while I do the three million little tasks that keep popping up.

I have officially booked Comic-Con for this year. Lucky thing too - you'll see in the image with this post that the four day passes are sold out - I literally bought my four day pass the day before they sold out. That was a good break. I bought it before my first paycheck because I didn't want to risk it. Last Thursday I booked our hotel too. I am not thrilled that we are staying in hotel circle instead of downtown, but I will survive. I'll think up a new plan for next year (you know besides being on the road to being a recognized filmmaker and getting an official Con hotel room because I am just that cool).

I am still wrangling through headshots that Regan took for End cast and crew members to pick the ones that the cast & crew get to choose from, this is actually harder than it seems. I am also preparing for a spotting session with the composer Christy. I basically know where I want all the music to go, but I need to rewatch End with that in mind. I just really don't want to get tired of watching the movie, I am trying to stay fresh.

All in all stuff would be pretty good right now if I weren't sick and unable to call in because my boss is on vacation. Ugh.

March 16, 2009

So I am a member of the work force again. It was strange being back at the same old job, but have had things around me change. They’ve gone paperless, one of the ladies from IT who was laid off was brought back with me and she’s now another art coordinator, and I’m not back on the phones yet (thank God for small blessings).

The sad part is the whole time I was at work the only place I wanted to be was working on a movie.

While I was laid off I really did live for my movie on a day to day basis. I was watching a ton of movie for inspiration, I was working on post at any time of day – it was fabulous – the only bad part was not getting paid for it. I think it’s going to make working at the day job even harder, but I am hoping that it gives me more motivation.

Yesterday I went to Disneyland and among the many things I did on my last day as an unemployed woman was to buy a caramel apple. Disney makes really good ones. I decided to have it as desert after work; so I spent my night watching really good TV while eating my apple.

Back to work tomorrow, and hopefully it’s one day closer to being paid for directing.

March 14, 2009 - II

Originally uploaded by juan-fotos

So I have a confession to make. I have been stalking Jon Favreau on Twitter. I couldn’t figure out why until this afternoon.

I guess it all falls back on the exact reason I became so obsessed with Iron Mansince May; where Jon Favreau is in his career right now is where I desperately hope to be with my directing career in not too many years. He’s flying high on Iron Man fame and a string of good films before that & he’s been twittering about pre-production and being at SXSW as well. It’s where I want to be – you know – just with my movies.

The thing is my desire to direct is the passion of my life; I want to be on set, working with actors and crew, doing press for my movies, and everything else that comes along with it. I cannot wait to send End to film festivals, and I can only hope the ones that we get into that I will get to see people be excited about my movie, I want to be on a panel with people asking questions about my film, excited to see what is going to come from me next. I desperately hope that God has all of that in store for me.

Having such a passion and drive for what I want to do is essential because I can’t push as hard as I need to if I don’t have the desire but it makes working at a day job really hard. It’s even stranger that I am going back to work at the company that laid me off. I thought that chapter of my life was closed but apparently it’s not; I can’t be bitter about it though. This company gave me the emotional and monetary capability to make my movie, to push forward so I won’t be bitter about that.

It’s still a new chapter in my life. Maybe God has something new in store for me here. I don’t think that I will be immediately at Jon Favreau status, but maybe I can at least get him to follow me on Twitter.

Mrach 14, 2009

Day 99: Waiting...
Originally uploaded by jocieposse (aka skid ho)

I deided that I am going back to my old job; I said I wouldn't when they laid me off but that was over a month ago and I haven't been able to get anything since I left - even an interview, much less a job offer and let's face it, I'd love not to be materialistic but money is required to survive.

On the up side I will be getting a pay check again soon! I decided I am going shopping when I get it, partly because I do need new work clothes but I also want to add at least one more great pair of shoes to my collection. I ended up at shoe stores today and I really wanted to buy some but I was a good girl.

March 12, 2009

Если в нетрезвом виде
Originally uploaded by Anykeen

So if you were laid off, spent more than a month searching for jobs and out of the blue the company that laid you off called you and offered your job back what would you do?

On the plus side, you know the pay is decent, the people are cool and you know the work even if it wasn’t your favorite.

On the negative side this company already laid you off once so who’s to say they won’t do it again? It’s true that anyone could lay you off if you get hired, but are you stupid for doing it twice with the same company?

The bottom line is that taking back the job won’t stop you from pursuing your actual goals (in my case filmmaking) so do you take the job? How do you know this is what God actually wants you to do? What do you do if it crumbles around you again?

This is the actual situation I have been posed with.

March 4, 2009

I so need a post-production coordinator right now, but it's simply not in the cards because of the size and budget of End. We've entered the stage of post production where there are lots of people involved and lots of balls in the air, and with the job hunt and unending comedy of errors that is the department of unemployment it's more than a bit stressful. I've had to ask Christopher to step in and help out. It makes me feel a bit overwhelmed as a director, but in reality I am doing much more than most director's do right now.

I am watching Terminator 3 right now, and I must say that while I am greatly excited about Terminator Salvation I really need to pretend that T3 doesn't exist. I think that Christian Bale is going to make a phenominal John Connor, I am actually excited to see what McG can do.

Back to topic. The job hunt is really not happening right now, no one is calling me for interviews or even really acknowledging that I've been applying for jobs. I've been praying and trying to figure out what to do. In an effort to have some kind of task to do I opened my own etsy shop at mrbosslady.etsy.com; it's not very far along yet, but I thought I would give it a shot. It's keeping me amused to say the least. Now I just need a real job...

February 28, 2009 part 2

I am starting to feel completely overwhelmed and I don't like it. I just feel like between searching for a new job and trying to tie the last strings of End together I just can't do everything any more but I have no choice but to keep doing everything.

There are so many diretions I am being pulled in and I am tired.

February 28, 2009

Happy Valentine's Day!
Originally uploaded by Lanna Grace

A day can do strange things to you.

Last night I couldn't sleep because I just couldn't settle my brain down. All I could think about was how I haven't gotten a job yet, and I need one so that I can keep paying for my car, my movie, and generally living. It's all run of the mill stuff. I know God is going to take care of me, and so these worries will run there course and amount to nothing. But either way I was exhausted all day and looking forward to a good night of sleep.

That brings us to tonight. My little brother just broke up with his girlfriend and he and I are close, so he wanted me to distract him and keep his mind off it. I was glad to do it, but it makes the mind start thinking. I know why they broke up and I agree with it. God is taking them in different directions.

The problem is that I should be asleep right now, preparing to watch my movie tomorrow and call a picture lock. Instead I am sitting at my desk, with Shining Through on TV, unable to sleep because all I can think about are the ramifications of life.

I trust God to take me where He wants me to go. He will guide me to a job or he will guide my film before the right eyes to give me a career, or He will guide the right man to me. All of it is in God's hands and I can't be distracted by what I don't have, but what He has waiting ahead for me. That is the only way I can be good as a director if God wants that for me.